Será que enlouqueci? Andei me perguntando nos últimos meses. Não me reconhecia naquela pessoa agressiva e desorganizada em que eu tinha me transformado. Fui sempre tão equilibrada. Tão organizada! As pessoas até brincavam que eu era muito cerebral. Eu pensava, concluía e organizava! Sentimentos? Driblava, facilmente! Porque sofrer por alguém? “Que bobagem!”; assim eu ia lidava com a minha vida emocional. Incrível como eu me sentia muito bem resolvida. Conquistava e largava! Isso me divertia. Dava muito prazer saber que alguém sofria por mim! Funcionei assim, até há alguns meses. O casamento de Nívea, minha prima, mudou tudo. Na noite em que Nívea se casou, tudo estava em clima de festa. A noiva com brilho único no olhar, irradiando uma felicidade intangível. As luzes do ambiente, a festa, a música, tudo mágico. Na hora em que eu fui cumprimentar os noivos, senti um “frio na barriga”. Essa sensação me fez sentir muito estranha, aumentando ainda mais, quando fui abraçar Nívea. Percebi que a intensa alegria que ela estava vivendo me incomodou. Seu sorriso radiante me deu certa raiva! Abraçando o noivo, aquele homem másculo, forte, cheiroso senti minha libido alterada. Nossa, Confesso que me incomodou. Precisava me afastar dali. Fui me esconder no jardim. Não entendia porque não estava suportando a felicidade de minha prima. Acho que queria estar no lugar dela, talvez, que ela nem existisse! Ambivalente, raiva e culpa, martelando em meu peito! Tentei recuperar o bom senso, quando consegui parte disso, voltei à festa. Encontrei os noivos dançando alegremente músicas pop, samba, rock. Assim que olhei Nívea em cima daquele sapato branco de salto alto, celebrando a vida junto ao marido, desejei que seu salto alto quebrassem ali mesmo. Vê-la com tanta alegria de viver, sangrava o meu coração. Naquele rápido instante, me odiei. Me senti uma bruxa! Sorrateiramente, fui embora da festa. Não dava mais para continuar lá. Eu estava esvaziada e infeliz. Esse desequilíbrio foi tomando grandes proporções. Não entendia como eu podia ser tão má! Porque não conseguia me livrar desse sentimento tão corrosivo:- ” Roubar de Lívia toda a felicidade que estava vivendo”. Cheguei até a ficar na dúvida se estava apaixonada por Carlos, seu marido. Morria de vergonha de mim mesma. Fui buscar num livro de psicologia alguma explicação desse turbilhão de emoções. O que descobri me aliviou. Estou em minha décima sessão de terapia. Comecei entendendo que sou humana e tenho que aceitar os meus sentimentos. Aprender a lidar com eles. Descobri também que não estou apaixonada por Carlos, apenas sou muito carente e mal resolvida. Entre outras coisas, fui mordida pela inveja por eu não ser feliz no amor. Era o doce que eu nunca comi. Quanto aos noivos, fiquei sabendo que estão em plena ” lua de mel”! Sabe que já torço pela felicidade deles!? Entrei em contato com meu coração. Estou iniciando uma lua de mel, comigo mesma! Tem um certo gostinho de felicidade no ar. “Acho que não sou tão bruxa assim!”.
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