FILME DE UM CORAÇÃO (REFLEXÃO/ AMBIVALÊNCIA)

Tarde de outono, eu caminhando  nesta avenida. Vento frio, folhas caindo pelo chão, já coberto de tantas outras folhas! Estou carente! Cheia de dúvidas e de algumas certezas. Sinto que preciso tomar um café bem quente. É reconfortante! Paro em frente a uma cafeteria acolhedora; nela está tocando uma música muito marcante em minha vida. Me sento à mesinha, bem no cantinho, em frente à janela. Daqui posso continuar olhando, na rua, a dança das folhas embaladas pelo vento. Ritmos e direções diferentes! Penso que é como se fosse uma pequena amostra dos movimentos da própria vida. Fico refletindo sobre isso alguns momentos! De repente, sinto um nó na garganta. Engulo firme. Respiro fundo algumas vezes. Alívio! Assim, eu aprendi a desfazer crises de ansiedade! Os pensamentos, as lembranças, voltaram em minha mente. Cenas de infância intercaladas entre amor e dor! A presença de minha mãe, em certos momentos,  tão fragilizada e, em outros, tão forte! Surgem cenas de violências e agressões de um homem, presente como pai e tão ausente como marido. Acho que ele não foi tão culpado! Minha mãe enlouqueceu quando perdeu seu filho ainda pequeno. Não conseguiu superar a dor! Perdeu sua identidade de mulher. Naquele momento perdeu também o seu casamento feliz! Meu pai talvez não tenha sabido lidar com isso. Acho que ele estava preocupado com a sua própria dor. Foi aí que começaram as grandes brigas entre eles. Esse clima emocional dentro de casa me fez muito mal. Fui superando com terapias e muitos exercícios de respiração. Cresci, me formei e me tornei uma mulher “bonita e meiga” – canso de ouvir isso.  Mas, ansiedade ficou latente em mim; em momentos de grandes stresses, traiçoeiramente, ela me ataca!  Encontrei pelas minhas andanças, JOÃO, um homem cheio de charme e muito sedutor. Sabe o que quer da vida! Busca caminhos! Ele foi o que eu sonhava! Na minha fantasia era igual ao meu pai. Caminhamos juntos por longos anos. Uma paixão que queimava tanto quanto um sol intenso! Os dias passavam sem sentir o tempo. Foi assim por nove anos. Perdida nessas lembranças, de repente, sou interrompida pela garçonete trazendo o meu café , saindo fumaça! Resolvo e peço um pão de queijo crocante, que eles fazem aqui. Tomo um gole do meu delicioso café. Olho pela janela e percebo que começou a garoar. Sinto que a temperatura está esfriando! Tomo outro gole do café, pra me aquecer. Enrolo um cachecol no pescoço e volto às minhas memórias, como se elas fossem, neste momento, a única forma de preencher a minha carência. JOÃO! O que aconteceu com a gente?  Babaca!!! PORQUE ME ABANDONOU?!!! A garçonete novamente interrompe meus pensamentos. Com um lindo sorriso diz:- Seu pão de queijo chegou!!! Quer outro café?

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