FANTASIAS DE MULHER CARENTE! (CONTATO COM A REALIDADE)

Sou Carla! Quem se atreve a me julgar? Sou casada e traio “emocionalmente” o meu marido. Tenho fantasias com outros homens.  Acho que  entrei na idade da “loba”! De uns tempos para cá, me surpreendo com pensamentos em cenas íntimas e românticas com personagens criados em minha imaginação. A primeira vez em que isso aconteceu, foi após uma briga feia que houve entre eu e o Ricardo, meu marido. Ele foi tão grosseiro que tive ímpetos de pular no pescoço dele! Claro que não cometeria esse ato insano. Não sou louca e nem burra! Um metro e noventa de puros músculos! A rotina, a falta de criatividade e contas a pagar, foram amortecendo os meus sentimentos por ele. Acho que eu esperava muito desse casamento! De certa forma eu consegui. Tenho a “LUNA”, uma filha maravilhosa, a cara do pai. Ao mesmo tempo em que ilumina as nossas vidas, também representa um obstáculo a realizar os meus sonhos de mulher. E olha que são muitos! Mas Luna está acima de tudo para mim! Por ela eu morro! Quando aprendi a me refugiar em minhas fantasias, o  mundo ficou mais colorido. Em minha cabeça, encontrei uma forma secreta de me manter feliz e não destruir a minha família. Era tão engraçado. Muitas vezes me peguei provocando o Ricardo só para ele ser agressivo e eu poder criar em minha mente um personagem capaz de satisfazer meus desejos de mulher e eu não sentir culpa. Sei que atrás desse comportamento desequilibrado, que surge em nossas brigas, existe um homem tentando se fortalecer para se sentir mais admirado e com uma melhor auto-estima. Acho que por isso sinto culpa. Nem sei se ainda o amo. Só sei que preciso sonhar e realizar desejos enquanto me sinto “VIVA”! Muitas vezes me critico e me acho imatura. Nesses momentos volto à minha lucidez. Enxergo a realidade. Valorizo mais o meu marido e consigo até sentir tesão por ele. Assim passamos curtos períodos de “felicidade”! Dali a pouco todo o inferno se repete. Num desses períodos de guerra fui ao supermercado. Estava numa banca de produtos naturais, distraída; ouço uma voz rouca e máscula me perguntando sobre os morangos incríveis que ali estavam expostos. Levantei os olhos e vi a personificação de meus sonhos. Tremi. Gaguejei! Nem me lembro o que falei, só sei que Fábio, esse era o seu nome, passou a ocupar o meus pensamentos, perigosamente. Alimentei esse perigo por seis meses. Foram momentos platônicos! Quando nossa “amizade” foi ficando muito ameaçadora, resolvi dar um basta. Eu não poderia destruir meu casamento por uma fantasia. Acho que foi o contato com a realidade mais sofrido que vivi. Tive que fazer uma escolha. Sentia que aquela sonho não tinha bases  na realidade. Fábio era quase um adolescente! Eu uma mulher de quarenta. Me afastei! Fiquei mais exigente e adulta com o meu marido. Ele com medo de me perder mudou muito! Se conscientizou e se assustou com minhas mudanças de atitudes. O meu casamento foi se tornando mais feliz. Menos brigas. Mais respeito! Acho que estamos amadurecendo. Vejo minha filha mais segura. Vivendo mais alegre os seus nove anos de idade. Acho que me ancorei numa fase de crescimento e auto realização. Voltei a estudar jornalismo.  Estava noutro dia na lanchonete da faculdade, senti um tocar leve em meu ombro. Reconheci aquela voz rouca e máscula. DESTA VEZ EU NÃO TREMI!!!

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