Neste último fim de semana, resolvi mexer em fotos antigas. Fui até as gavetas da cômoda de meu quarto e revirei tudo em cima da cama. Nossa, acho que tinha mais de duzentas fotos! Ali estava a história de minha vida. Quantas lembranças! Alegrias e dores me vieram à mente. Me vi no colo de minha mãe. Tão bebê! Ela parecia estar feliz, naquele momento. Tinha um certo brilho em seu olhar! Expressava uma imagem que eu nunca mais pude encontrar nela. A cada foto que caia em minha mãos, eu parava um pouco e tentava me transportar para aquele momento. Buscava sentir a emoção que brotava em mim. Parecia uma viagem. Estava literalmente mergulhando em todo o meu passado. Algumas fotos me despertavam mais emoções. Numa das fotos, reencontrei o meu pai, jovem e muito charmoso. Ele era bem o meu tipo de homem! Hoje, entendo todo os ciúmes de minha mãe. A mulherada não se segurava. Nem queria saber se ele era casado. Era um homem atraente e expressava muita sensualidade. Minha mãe sofreu muito com ele! Na verdade, ela vivia tão infernizada que mal tinha tempo para mim. Recordo dela brigando, gritando… Até o agredindo fisicamente. Coitada! Lembro da minha impotência diante das crises deles. Isso foi durante toda a minha infância. Eu sofria demais, com toda aquele situação. Ficava assustada e insegura. Tinha muito medo de perder os meus pais! A cada briga deles, eu me escondia atrás da porta. Lá me sentia protegida daquela violência. Era um clima de horror! Assim que as brigas passavam, enquanto minha mãe se entregava à bebida, eu pegava o meu gatinho Nino e corria para o quarto. Ele sim era meu amigo! Lá, a gente brincava muito, muito! Fazia de conta que ele era meu filhinho. Penteava suavemente seus pelos macios e brancos. Conversava muito com ele. Na maioria das vezes, adormecia abraçada com o Nino. De vez em quando, quando minha mãe se recuperava de sua loucura, ia me acordar e me contava uma história. Eu sempre senti ausência de contato em seu olhar. Ainda dizem que criança não percebe essas situações! Ela até tentava me proteger, mas, pouco conseguiu. Hoje eu a entendo! Ela era muito fragilizada! Fiquei traumatizada com o relacionamento doentio de meus pais. Eles já faleceram há alguns anos! Cresci pensando em nunca me envolver com nenhum homem. Nunca ter um filho! Me transformei num mulher insegura com medo de amar e não ser feliz. Fiquei com a sensação que relacionamentos só geram ansiedades e sofrimentos. Destroem a mulher. Sempre desconfiei de todos os homens! Namorei alguns. Nunca me apaixonei. Tenho trinta anos de idade. Neste momento de vida, estou desesperada! Num intenso conflito! Descobri que estou grávida de um rapaz sensual, Gabriel, com quem fico de vez em quando. Ele diz ser apaixonado por mim. Não acredito nele! Evito entrar nesse assunto. Gosto de sua pele e seu cheiro. Só isso! Nunca quis compromisso e nem envolvimento. Quase morri com a notícia da gravidez! Como assim? Sempre tive tantas precauções!!! Adoro criança e não quero ser mãe! É um paradoxo em minha vida. Marquei o aborto! Minha culpa está avassaladora! Tenho me sentido uma bruxa! Uma verdadeira assassina! Acho que por isso fui remexer as fotos, lá na gaveta da cômoda. Buscar algum motivo para, talvez, deixar aflorar desejos reprimidos. Reparar dores do coração. Confesso que as histórias revividas repaginaram algumas sensações ancoradas na tristeza! Alguma coisa mudou. Ando sonhando acordada, desde o começo dessa semana. Quando penso numa nova vida se desenvolvendo dentro de mim, o mundo tem ficado mais colorido. Acho que a ambivalência chegou ao fim! Nesta manhã, recebi um telefonema da clínica :- “RESPONDI UM SONORO SIM À VIDA”!!!
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