TIMIDEZ! (VORACIDADE INTERNA)

Desde criança, ouvia comentários que eu era uma menina esquisita. Não entendia muito o porquê disso. Afinal, eu me esforçava para ser simpática e educada com todas as pessoas. Mas, não tinha jeito. Hoje entendo. Eu era muito fechada. Não conseguia me expressar emocionalmente. Isso me causava muitos sofrimentos e conflitos. Na minha cabeça, simplesmente, me sentia sem saída. Não tinha a quem recorrer. Foi muito louco. Desenvolvi, como padrão mental, que os adultos faziam complô contra mim! Eles me detestavam!!! O tempo foi passando e chegou a adolescência e com ela muitas mudanças internas e externas. A máscara de boazinha foi paulatinamente sendo substituída por atitudes irreverentes, mais ousadas e ameaçadoras. Adorava transgredir! No colégio me juntei a uma turminha que tinha o apelido de “abelhas selvagens”! Me fortaleci. Finalmente me sentia com uma identidade forte. Curioso que fui convidada a participar desse grupo, justamente num momento em que me sentia extremamente fragilizada e humilhada por alguns alunos. Na saída das aulas, na porta do colégio, começava o bullying! Faziam gozação com minha altura exagerada e minhas longas pernas. Imaginem uma adolescente de catorze anos, cheia de espinhas na cara, com um metro e setenta e seis de altura e muito magra. Apelidos é que não me faltavam. Só se referiam a mim como “Girafa Espinhenta” e “Perna de pau”! Eu não tinha amigas e os meninos zombavam de mim. Num certo dia estava, como sempre, sozinha, distraída, comprando pipocas carameladas. Assim que fui provar o caramelo da pipoca, de repente, ouvi gozações e risos muito altos. Eram vozes de meninos. Debochavam da minha imagem e do meu andar. Falavam alto que não sabiam que girafa comia pipocas!!! Foi demais! Não aguentei, minhas pernas ficaram moles e escondendo o choro. Fui me sentar num banco do jardim da escola. Ali, eu desabei! Comecei a chorar como uma criança pequena. Soluçava baixinho. Em minha mente surgiram aflições vividas na infância. Me sentia abandonada! No meio dessa situação de profunda rejeição, senti uma mão firme, tocando em meu ombro. Delicadamente me convidou a sair dali. Era Elisa, o meu Anjo da Guarda, que até então desconhecia. Líder da classe e respeitada por todos. Me surpreendi. Achava que ela era tão insensível, assim como os outros! Mas não! Ela, com firmeza e doçura, tocou em meu ombro e me consolou. Fez com que eu me sentisse especial e me convidou para fazer parte de seu grupo. Nossa! Foi tudo que eu precisava! Fui me fortalecendo e conquistei uma nova identidade na escola e entre os meninos. Até melhorei minhas notas. Acho que foi porque fiquei mais segura.  Aprendi que ser boazinha só para agradar aos outros é uma auto sabotagem. Que devia buscar expressar o que sinto diante das circunstâncias da vida. Elisa se tornou minha grande amiga e, de certa forma, foi o meu modelo. Tinha uma família estruturada e pais muito presentes. Aprendi muito com ela.  Lá em casa todos se chocaram com a minha transformação.  Minha mãe, em sua ignorância, achava que mudei por causa da idade. Ela nunca me compreendeu. Nunca foi minha amiga.  Também, coitada, sempre foi tão calada e submissa! Como o tempo voa, meu Deus! Nem sei porque me vieram todas essas lembranças bem agora. Já se passaram quinze anos! Deitei aqui na rede, só para dar uma relaxada. Viajei lá no meu passado. Nossa!  Olho no relógio, já são quase oito horas da noite. Isso me acorda para a realidade. Tenho que me apressar. Elisa daqui a pouco vai passar aqui. Hoje a noite promete!

 

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