Fui uma criança sonhadora e muito criativa. O mundo da imaginação me estimulava a sair da pobreza em que vivia. Nunca tive uma boneca, nem uma pequenina, como normalmente toda menina tem. Resolvi esse problema adotando o meu travesseiro como minha filhinha em minhas brincadeiras de criança. Quando sozinha, eu o enrolava num pano qualquer e desse jeito ela era o meu bebê. Ficava horas reproduzindo tudo que eu via minha mãe fazer com meu irmãozinho. Minha mãe dava um duro danado. Além de cuidar de seus dois filhos e da casa, ainda era costureira. Lembro dela horas a fio atrás daquela máquina. Muitas vezes percebi que chorava, quietinha no canto da cozinha, perto do fogão a lenha, onde ela fazia a macarronada mais gostosa do mundo. Todo domingo era dia de macarrão! Eu me deliciava. Não fosse o homem estúpido com quem ela se casou pela segunda vez, acho que eu teria sido uma criança feliz. Quando ela se separou de meu pai eu tinha nove anos e um amor infinito por ele. Sofri muito com essa separação. Por ser criança, naquela época, não pude entender os seus justos motivos. Meu pai tinha muitas qualidades, era honesto e trabalhador. Não tinha formação. Trabalhava onde surgia chance. Não tinha tempo ruim para ele. O problema era o seu jeito duro e insensível de ser. Homem rígido. Pai carinhoso do seu jeito. Voz forte, que me transmitia muita segurança. Algumas vezes, muito medo. Nunca voltava atrás de uma opinião formada. Enxergava o casamento como um machão. Só ele decidia. A esposa não tinha espaço para isso. Anulava a identidade de minha mãe. Não valorizava os esforços contínuos que ela fazia em sua máquina de costura! Muito menos a percebia como mulher. Diga-se, uma bela fêmea. Com uma sensibilidade exagerada. Muito sonhadora, assim como eu. Um belo dia, ela se encantou com o jornaleiro do bairro em que a gente morava. Um grande sedutor. Virou sua cabeça! Começou a fazer loucuras. Tenho na memória cenas de violência doméstica. Eu e meu irmãozinho nos escondíamos atrás da porta, até a briga acabar. Meu pai não queria a separação. Minha mãe não quis saber. Estava louca de paixão! Meu pai foi embora junto com a minha alegria. Passado pouquíssimo tempo, o jornaleiro entrou em casa. Estranhei e adoeci muito. Aquele homem desconhecido, querendo ocupar um espaço que não era o dele. ELE NÃO ERA O MEU PAI! “Afetos verdadeiros só se constroem ao longo da vida”. Rafael, meu padrasto, era um estrangeiro em minhas emoções. Ele não tinha o cheiro de meu pai, o seu olhar não me protegia. Essa nova relação de minha mãe durou o tempo que dura a paixão, com muitos altos e baixos. Nunca consegui gostar dele. Acho que nem ele de mim! Hoje compreendo que minha mãe idealizou em Rafael o homem de seus sonhos. Quando, na convivência, emergiu a real pessoa encoberta por toda aquela sedução, a máscara caiu. Então ela resolveu nunca mais ter alguém. Foi decidida. Ficou mais feliz assim. Envelheceu sozinha. Ainda vive só! Hoje se dedica à caridade. Faz costuras para crianças carentes. A parte financeira ficou mais tranquila. Nada mais justo que eu e meu irmão a ajudemos. Cuidou da gente com tanto sacrifício e amor! Formados, cada um foi buscar sua realização e deu muito certo. Por outro lado, fiquei distante de meu pai por vinte e cinco anos. Durante esse tempo todo ele nunca mais me procurou. Sempre que ele surgia em memoria, eu desviava o pensamento. Não queria sofrer! Fugia mesmo! Hoje, fazendo psicoterapia, viajando pelo meu coração, nasceu uma necessidade enorme de conferir o pai que tive. Alguma esperança brincava dentro de meus sentimentos. Será que ele havia sentido a minha falta? Será que havia mudado o seu jeito de ser? E o amor? Como louca iniciei uma busca desenfreada. Precisava saber de seu paradeiro. Se ainda estava vivo! Na verdade era um resgate de mim mesma. Tentar limpar amarguras ancoradas. Talvez continuar mais leve e resolvida. Depois de muitas buscas, veio a confirmação. Encontrei o meu velho, internado numa casa de repouso. Percebi em seus olhos uma imensa solidão. Tentei contato com aquela solidão. Não consegui! Ela fugia de mim. Num segundo momento, surgiu aquele olhar duro, tão conhecido em minha infância. Não desisti. Instintivamente, coloquei as suas mãos entre as minhas. Estavam meio frias, sem vida. Fui tocando-as com toda a delicadeza que os meus sentidos permitiram. Comecei a falar de amor. Algumas lágrimas rolaram em nossos olhos. Me aproximei um pouco mais. Contendo os meus soluços, com dificuldades, pude dizer “Eu te amo!”. Ele apenas me olhou no fundo dos olhos e apertou suavemente a minha mão. Essa foi a forma que conseguiu me falar de amor. Rapidamente, novamente, aquele olhar fugiu para sua conhecida solidão! Acho que é nesse lugar que se sente mais seguro. Para ele nunca foi possível verbalizar o Amor. Constatei que ele não mudou! Continua ancorado na dificuldade de se expressar. Seus sentimentos ficaram prisioneiros de sua própria rigidez de caráter. Confesso que fiquei impotente. Rapidamente me apropriei da vontade de o conhecer melhor. Toda semana estamos nos vendo. Noutro dia até consegui que minha mãe fosse lá. Quem sabe esse meu velho, querido e rabugento, aprenda a falar de amor! SERÁ QUE UM BOM VINHO TINTO AJUDA?
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