AMOR BANDIDO! ( EMOCÃO AUTO DESTRUTIVA).

Sentada em minha varanda, tomando uma taça de vinho tinto, para enganar a tristeza, observo a imensidão do mar. Gaivotas voando livremente aproveitam o movimento dos ventos de outono. Os barcos sumindo de vista. A brisa morna aquecendo a minha pele, me convidando à preguiça. Preguiça gostosa. Não fazer nada. Nada mesmo! Deixar o corpo conduzir os desejos que emergem das vísceras. Observo pessoas caminhando. Outras correndo pelo calçadão da praia. Buscando oxigenar as células. Eu ali, parada em minha preguiça. Isso me dá certa culpa! Sou profissional da área da saúde e sei bem da necessidade que o corpo tem de se movimentar para reequilibrar a energia. Decido não ter culpa. Entrego-me às sensações. Fecho os olhos e me deixo levar. O sol vai aquecendo suavemente a minha pele. Os poros recebendo esse calor invadindo todos os pontos do meu organismo. Estou me sentindo meio entorpecida. Em meio a essa sensação, ouço o som de um navio passando e o  barulho das ondas cochichando histórias para a areia. Fico imaginando que histórias serão essas? Quantas dores. Quantos amores perdidos! Minha mente vive ancorando em temas angustiantes. Ando fugindo da tristeza, como louca. Agora me acontece essa! Não adianta. Esses sons vão me envolvendo e despertando momentos de uma paixão intensa vivida com você, Carlos. “Grande desilusão de minha vida”! Como eu sofri em suas mãos! De repente, retorna uma dor absurda em meu peito. Desesperada. tento fugir desviando os pensamentos. Não consigo! Já nem ouço mais o som das ondas. Só o som da sua voz invade todos os meus sentidos. Essa voz que sabia me enlouquecer. Quente. Energética. Tantas loucuras. Tantos desatinos. Promessas de paixão eterna. Quantas saudades meu Deus! Você é cruel. Não foi capaz de me perdoar uma única vez! Eu soube te perdoar tanto! Dava sempre uma nova chance para o nosso amor. Mas da última vez eu bem que te avisei. Não iria mais suportar a humilhação de ser traída. Você não levou a sério. Novamente me desrespeitou. Estava me sentindo sem identidade nessa relação doente. Quando incorpora esse seu jeito cínico e violento, que só você sabe ter, fica repugnante. Assustador. Tenho vontade de esganar você. Carlos a sua sedução acaba ali! Juro que não o reconheço. Muitas vezes pensei em ir dar queixa na delegacia da mulher. Desisti. Minhas amigas sempre diziam que eu parecia “MARIA SEM VERGONHA”. Perdoava sempre. Bastava você vir com essa sua voz dizendo coisas que eu queria ouvir. Minhas pernas bambeavam. Entregava-me ali mesmo. Estava enfeitiçada! Até nisso você era canalha. Sabia que esse era o meu fraco! Há algum tempo já estava concluindo que você não mudaria. Precisava sofrer na pele o preço de suas atitudes imaturas e inconsequentes. “Machão inveterado”, isso é você! Quer respeito, mas não dá. Não sabe o que é amar. Naquela tarde em que você chegou embriagado e com uma nota fiscal de motel no bolso da camisa, não briguei. Congelei o meu amor. Friamente arquitetei uma vingança à altura. Foi a primeira vez que resolvi dar um troco perfeito. Bem dado. Na semana seguinte sai com o Antônio, o seu rival dos tempos de colégio. Você detestava que ele me paquerasse, lembra? Queria que sentisse um pouco da dor que eu tinha guardado no peito, por todos esses anos. Fui ao mesmo motel em que você  foi! Precisava sentir o gosto de estar lá também. Desta vez a sua voz rouca e sensual não teve a expressão de sempre.  Confesso que nunca pensei que você reagisse assim. Nunca presenciei tanta fúria em um homem! Colocar um detetive atrás de mim? “Quem deve, teme”, né Carlos? Parecia uma fera ferida querendo atacar. Confesso que fiquei com medo. Pedi perdão. Tantas vezes te perdoei! Nada adiantou. Fiquei com a alma lavada. Coração partido. Nunca mais o vi. A vingança não alimentou o meu coração.  Nesses últimos dois meses, sonho acordada com você. Pra saciar a dor, durmo todas as noites ouvindo “YOU ARE MY LOVE” que você gravou, cantando no meu celular. Me pego aqui na varanda inundada em emoções confusas. Ambivalentes. Respiro fundo. O forte cheiro de maresia me arranca desse estado. Fico em pé, e percebo como o tempo passou. No horizonte, um por de sol lindo. A campainha toca:  Maria, a professora de yoga chegou. Vou tentar deletar das entranhas qualquer vestígio desse amor bandido. MARIA está me ensinando a ouvir o SOM SAUDÁVEL DO MEU CORAÇÃO!

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